Posts Tagged ‘vaguely asian’

Fried Rice

I was inspired by a number of different recipes- mainly because they all, without exception, looked awful. Here’s what the lower-carb side of the internet thinks goes into fried rice:

– Mint
– Basil
– Teriyaki sauce (made with Splenda- say it with me now, “eeeeewwwww!”)
– Corn (I suppose you COULD put corn in fried rice, but after two years in Japan, I don’t like corn anymore)
– Miso (This was on a paleo blog. For chrissakes.)
– Seaweed
– Bacon
– Mayonnaise
– Xanthan gum

And here’s what internet doesn’t want in their fried rice:

– Soy sauce
– Tofu
– Anything good

So, I banged together the following madness (as usual, nearly everything is lacking an assigned volume because I have never in my life been happy with a recipe that demands “A QUARTER OUNCE OF SCALLIONS” or whatever the fuck dumb shit; just make what you like how you like it!) (baking is different):

1 medium cauliflower
1/2 red bell pepper
1 bunch cilantro
1 egg
Sesame oil
Olive oil (I cook everything in olive oil if it wouldn’t work with butter. Someday, I’ll start using coconut oil, but only when my abject hate for coconut flour subsides.)
Chiu chow chili oil (optional)
Soy sauce
Fish sauce
Meat product (optional)
Sichuan peppercorns (optional)
Black pepper
Ginger (the real shit, powdered ginger is evil)
Half an onion
Garlic (as much as you want, Brosephus. I did a paltry two cloves this time.)
Cayenne/chili/whatever to make it spicy (optional…you weakling.)

1. Make the cauliflower into the oft-touted cauliflower rice. If you don’t know how, here’s how: how. Haaa, okay, seriously- put raw cauliflower into your food processor and zoop it until it gets grainy-looking. On my machine it was roughly .00000000001 seconds. And wash it first, you filthy animal.

2. If you’re gonna cook meats and use meat drippings as your cooking fat, do that now and extract the tender meat particles. If not, well, ‘sup?

3. Take your egg, which I’m sure you knew already has to be whisked or beaten or whatever into a gooey yellow glop, and pour it in your fat of choice. Set it aside once cooked.

4. Plop in the veggies and/or tofu, along with the soy sauce, fish sauce, and liquid flavorings. Add spices (including your ginger) beforehand to toast them in the delicious lardmeats or veggie oils, if you like. Otherwise, just put ’em in with the vegetables.

5. Cook the veggies until they are tender, then add the cauliflower.

6. Cover, lower the heat, and leave it alone for five minutes.

7. Add your eggs, meat, cilantro, and any other fresh things that you don’t want cooked to a mush. This is the time to add things like Sriracha or the Chiu Chow.


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I love kabocha, or Japanese pumpkin. It’s a little sweeter and less watery than its larger cousins. Unfortunately, after I left Japan, I couldn’t find the damn stuff anywhere! You can therefore appreciate my delight when I found them at the Korean market around the corner- for a mere 59 cents a pounds, no less. FUCKYEAHKABOCHA.

These pancakes (although they’re really more like okonomiyaki than anything else) are super-adaptable. You want more bean sprouts? Add ’em! Want more veggies? Try chopped spinach or grated cauliflower or even finely-chopped broccoli. Don’t give a fuck about low carb or low starch? Grate some potatoes into it, or use real flour. Want cheese on them? CHEESE WILL WORK. Vegan? Throw in some xanthan gum, or just rely on the natural goopyness of the pumpkin to hold them together. In short, make it work for YOU.

And, yes, you can use regular pumpkin for this- or even butternut squash.

Suggested topping for these are mayonnaise (according to my husband, but eeewwww I hate mayonnaise), Greek yogurt, sour cream, butter, chopped scallions, soy sauce, Sriracha, or really any creamy or Asian condiment. I could see these being quite decent with a little peanut sauce.

A note of warning: I did not include a picture because they ain’t so pretty, but if you glance at the pics in that okonomiyaki article, that should guide you.

A second note of warning: more kimchi, depending on how large the cabbage pieces are, means the pancakes may be more crumbly. No matter.


Makes roughly 8 medium-sized pancakes, with 5 carbs and 114 calories per pancake.

1 half kabocha squash
1 large handful of bean sprouts
2 beaten eggs
1 cup kimchi
Soy sauce
Coconut flour
Olive oil

1. Soften kabocha. This took me about 45 minutes, plenty of time to watch an old episode of SNL from the 90s.
2. Get rid of the seeds and stringy stuff. Scoop out the pumpkin flesh with a spoon or ice cream scooper. Mash it the fuck UP.
3. Add eggs, kimchi, spices, soy sauce, Sriracha, and bean sprouts. Mix ’em all together. It’s okay to do this while watching 90s SNL; there are far too many It’s Pat sketches to be worth your full attention.
4. Form goop into a pancake shape, dredge in coconut flour.
5. Fry your pancakes! FRRRRYYYYYY THEEEEMMMMM! They will cook SUPER FAST so don’t get too caught up in Deep Thoughts.
6. Top with whatever, eat with face.

Now, so that you have a picture of some kind, here is a beautiful and elegant lady astride a missile:

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