Posts Tagged ‘mozzarella’

Here’s a (sad as shit) true story: when I first moved to Japan in 2008, I was unbelievably lonely. Not because I was far from “home,” but because I let my vagina make decisions without consulting my brain and ultimately alienated all the people I thought were my friends through sheer limerance/fucking stupidity (in other words, I boinked someone that the alpha femme already had her eye on…) Instead of using my balls and making amends, I decided to hide in my room and be a fucking coward instead.

Whatever, like all the choices you’ve made were good? Please, bitch.

Unfortunately, my self-imposed exile made it hard for me to go into the communal kitchen and cook shit like a noral person. I had a refrigerator and an electric kettle in my room, so I often cooked in there. You’d be surprised at how decent a meal you can make in a kettle, provided you don’t mind timidly washing it in a communal shower at 4 AM so you don’t run into anyone.

The following recipe is one of the few things I managed to make in my room when I was being antisocial. Even after I (a) stopped giving a flying shit about the emotionally-stunted numbnuts I lived with, and (b) moved into my own place, this was one of my go-to meals. And it persisted even after my future husband moved in with me, when we moved to England, and when we moved everywhere else. Oh, and I made it pretty much every day in college.

It is absolutely a household staple. No, like most of my recipes, it fails to be stupendously low-carb, BUT: you can totally adjust it to reflect your personal dietary needs. It has a decent wallop of protein, it’s filling, it’s fairly unruffling for those who aren’t very adventurous, and it’s not horribly expensive.

Although I find CostCo produce to be rather craptastic, this is one of those dishes where not-amazing ingredients get smoothed over with a little basil and lemon juice. If you like this and are one of those people who can eat the same thing for a few days without going BLEEEERGH, I suggest you stock up on the three main ingredients at Costco.

INSALATA TRICOLORE (Caprese salad with avocado)

Serves: 2

1 large tomato or two small tomatoes

1 avocado

Fresh mozzarella cheese

Fresh basil

Olive oil

1 lemon

Balsamic or apple cider vinegar

Salt and pepper to taste


1. Slice all vegetables and cheese

2. Add to plate in fancy fashion (or just cram it on there)

3. For the dressing, use: juice of 1 lemon, olive oil, vinegar. Quantities of the latter two to taste.

4. Season. If not using fresh basil, dried is okay.



Vegan: use smoked or flavoured tofu in place of the cheese.

I NEED MORE PROTEIN, DAMMIT: Use smoked or flavoured tofu WITH the cheese.

I NEED FEWER CARBS: Eliminate the avocado OR the tomato, but not both. Add bacon.

THIS IS TOO WEIRD BECAUSE I AM DUMB: It’s tomato with the whiter kind of pizza cheese! Avocados are the thing in guacamole, so if you like guacamole, avocados are okay.


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Full disclosure: I have never had chicken, veal, or eggplant parmesan. I don’t know why. I like eggplant, I love cheese, I love marinara sauce- why was this never an option?

For some stupid reason, I never go for Italian food. It’s not that I don’t like it, I’m just very, very wary of it. Growing up in Upstate NY, EVERYONE is Italian (except me) and EVERYONE cooks their signature upstate “Italian” dishes. These include things like spiedies, which I was never a fan of even when I ate meat (marinated chicken always tasted too “jiggly” to me, I dunno) and chicken riggies, which my horrible sociopathic aunt used to serve at every barbecue. CHICKEN SHOULD NOT BE COVERED IN BABY-PINK SAUCE, OKAY? Vom.

Anyways, I saw this recipe over at Our Life In Food, which can I just say? It is so refreshing to see a low-carb blog that isn’t militant and chock-full of misinformation about what “paleo” means.*

The recipe can be found here, and following is my review:


It’s textured, it’s got yummy fried cheese bits, it’s vegetarian AND gluten-free, and you get to slather everything in mozzarella and parmesan and marinara sauce. It really is a great little recipe that strikes a good balance between meatiness and still being veggie, and if you wanted, you could pack even more vegetables into it- zucchini, spinach, even some nice sauteed leeks would go well with it.

Definitely a make-again; my husband called it “fantastic” and I ate my entire portion in about three minutes.


Here’s your unrelated pic:


* I’m an anthropologist and you probably are not. Let’s just agree to disagree here.

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