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Posts Tagged ‘charity’

Hi, guys. Serious post, now.

I really hate my birthday. Something terrible always happens. For example, one year my grandfather died AND my boyfriend dumped me! Nice, eh?

But this year, I’m determined not to let it suck- by having the people I love most, instead of having to buy me tchothkes, help people in Ethiopia get the clean water they need.

If you’d like to help, please go to http://mycharitywater.org/birthdays-are-superfluous-but-water-is-necessary and donate what you can. Even a dollar is better than no dollar.

While you’re reading this site, you’re thinking about your various food allergies and how you’d like to drop ten pounds. My god, do you realize how selfish this whole thing is? Gluten-free, my ass- without Norman Borlog’s modified wheat, many people alive today wouldn’t be. So what, it gives you a tummyache, too bad.

Please donate to my charity and give hope to all of us.

Of course, no one expects something for nothing, so here’s what I’m offering in return:

1. The person to crack $100 gets a hand-written poem about how awesome they are. Said poem will be illustrated. It will be a humorous poem.

2. Whoever gets me to $250 gets to pick a meat product of their choice, of which I will take at least two bites. I will also videotape this and send it to you.

3. Whoever bumps us up to $500 wins the following: I will dress up like Katy Perry and stand on the corner of a major intersection, holding up a massive charity: water sign. I will do this for no less than three hours.

4. The person who gets us to $1000? I will write and self-publish a short novel. You choose the topic. Any topic.

5. If you get me to $2500, I will bake 2500 cookies of your choice and send them to you, free of charge.

6. If you get us to $3000, I’ll donate $100 of my own money to the charity of YOUR choice, AND you’ll get 2500 cookies!

and finally…

7. If we reach $5000, I will allow the infamous video of me at karaoke to be released. I will also send you a box of archaeological artifacts that I’ve collected over the years. Finally, I will have a shirt with your picture and the caption “[STEVE-BOB JOHNSON] HELPED ME REACH MY GOAL OF $5000 AND ALL HE/SHE GETS IS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT.”

So let’s do this!

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