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Posts Tagged ‘cauliflower’

Fried Rice

I was inspired by a number of different recipes- mainly because they all, without exception, looked awful. Here’s what the lower-carb side of the internet thinks goes into fried rice:

– Mint
– Basil
– Teriyaki sauce (made with Splenda- say it with me now, “eeeeewwwww!”)
– Corn (I suppose you COULD put corn in fried rice, but after two years in Japan, I don’t like corn anymore)
– Miso (This was on a paleo blog. For chrissakes.)
– Seaweed
– Bacon
– Mayonnaise
– Xanthan gum

And here’s what internet doesn’t want in their fried rice:

– Soy sauce
– Tofu
– Anything good

So, I banged together the following madness (as usual, nearly everything is lacking an assigned volume because I have never in my life been happy with a recipe that demands “A QUARTER OUNCE OF SCALLIONS” or whatever the fuck dumb shit; just make what you like how you like it!) (baking is different):

1 medium cauliflower
1/2 red bell pepper
1 bunch cilantro
1 egg
Sesame oil
Olive oil (I cook everything in olive oil if it wouldn’t work with butter. Someday, I’ll start using coconut oil, but only when my abject hate for coconut flour subsides.)
Chiu chow chili oil (optional)
Soy sauce
Fish sauce
Tofu
Meat product (optional)
Sichuan peppercorns (optional)
Black pepper
Ginger (the real shit, powdered ginger is evil)
Half an onion
Garlic (as much as you want, Brosephus. I did a paltry two cloves this time.)
Cayenne/chili/whatever to make it spicy (optional…you weakling.)

1. Make the cauliflower into the oft-touted cauliflower rice. If you don’t know how, here’s how: how. Haaa, okay, seriously- put raw cauliflower into your food processor and zoop it until it gets grainy-looking. On my machine it was roughly .00000000001 seconds. And wash it first, you filthy animal.

2. If you’re gonna cook meats and use meat drippings as your cooking fat, do that now and extract the tender meat particles. If not, well, ‘sup?

3. Take your egg, which I’m sure you knew already has to be whisked or beaten or whatever into a gooey yellow glop, and pour it in your fat of choice. Set it aside once cooked.

4. Plop in the veggies and/or tofu, along with the soy sauce, fish sauce, and liquid flavorings. Add spices (including your ginger) beforehand to toast them in the delicious lardmeats or veggie oils, if you like. Otherwise, just put ’em in with the vegetables.

5. Cook the veggies until they are tender, then add the cauliflower.

6. Cover, lower the heat, and leave it alone for five minutes.

7. Add your eggs, meat, cilantro, and any other fresh things that you don’t want cooked to a mush. This is the time to add things like Sriracha or the Chiu Chow.

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