Posts Tagged ‘avocado’

Here’s a (sad as shit) true story: when I first moved to Japan in 2008, I was unbelievably lonely. Not because I was far from “home,” but because I let my vagina make decisions without consulting my brain and ultimately alienated all the people I thought were my friends through sheer limerance/fucking stupidity (in other words, I boinked someone that the alpha femme already had her eye on…) Instead of using my balls and making amends, I decided to hide in my room and be a fucking coward instead.

Whatever, like all the choices you’ve made were good? Please, bitch.

Unfortunately, my self-imposed exile made it hard for me to go into the communal kitchen and cook shit like a noral person. I had a refrigerator and an electric kettle in my room, so I often cooked in there. You’d be surprised at how decent a meal you can make in a kettle, provided you don’t mind timidly washing it in a communal shower at 4 AM so you don’t run into anyone.

The following recipe is one of the few things I managed to make in my room when I was being antisocial. Even after I (a) stopped giving a flying shit about the emotionally-stunted numbnuts I lived with, and (b) moved into my own place, this was one of my go-to meals. And it persisted even after my future husband moved in with me, when we moved to England, and when we moved everywhere else. Oh, and I made it pretty much every day in college.

It is absolutely a household staple. No, like most of my recipes, it fails to be stupendously low-carb, BUT: you can totally adjust it to reflect your personal dietary needs. It has a decent wallop of protein, it’s filling, it’s fairly unruffling for those who aren’t very adventurous, and it’s not horribly expensive.

Although I find CostCo produce to be rather craptastic, this is one of those dishes where not-amazing ingredients get smoothed over with a little basil and lemon juice. If you like this and are one of those people who can eat the same thing for a few days without going BLEEEERGH, I suggest you stock up on the three main ingredients at Costco.

INSALATA TRICOLORE (Caprese salad with avocado)

Serves: 2

1 large tomato or two small tomatoes

1 avocado

Fresh mozzarella cheese

Fresh basil

Olive oil

1 lemon

Balsamic or apple cider vinegar

Salt and pepper to taste


1. Slice all vegetables and cheese

2. Add to plate in fancy fashion (or just cram it on there)

3. For the dressing, use: juice of 1 lemon, olive oil, vinegar. Quantities of the latter two to taste.

4. Season. If not using fresh basil, dried is okay.



Vegan: use smoked or flavoured tofu in place of the cheese.

I NEED MORE PROTEIN, DAMMIT: Use smoked or flavoured tofu WITH the cheese.

I NEED FEWER CARBS: Eliminate the avocado OR the tomato, but not both. Add bacon.

THIS IS TOO WEIRD BECAUSE I AM DUMB: It’s tomato with the whiter kind of pizza cheese! Avocados are the thing in guacamole, so if you like guacamole, avocados are okay.


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Okay, so full disclosure: this is obviously not vegetarian, because it is mostly bacon. But for those of you looking for a fun snack, it’s great. 

This was, as you might have guessed, something I whipped up for my husband. I got the idea from Nom Nom Paleo (http://nomnompaleo.com/post/2538959456/bacon-guacamole-sammies-dont-these-bacon-and” title=”Nom Nom Paleo”>) but my guacamole recipe is a little different from hers (read: I make lazy guacamole.)


Avocado-Bacon Mouth Orgies

  • Avocado (I used two medium avocados and it was more than enough for two people, even with me eating half of it out of the bowl)
  • Salt
  • Pepper
  • Chili powder
  • Cumin
  • Cayenne
  • Chipotle (powdered)
  • Mayonnaise

As usual, let your tastebuds decide ingredient volume for you. I like my guacamole chunky, acidic, and not so creamy. You could also throw some cider vinegar in here if you like yours a little more runny and sour, and you can use as much mayo as you want. I used about 3/4 of a tablespoon because I fucking hate mayonnaise and it goobs me out bigtime. You could put sour cream in it, instead, but I warn you: coconut milk/oil has no place here. You’re not an idiot, are you?

DETAILED COOKING INSTRUCTIONS: Smoosh the fuck out of everything, taste, and make sure it’s blended. Use a food processor or blender if, unlike me, you are not too lazy to unpack the blender you got for Christmas.

Now that you ROCK-amole (dur hur hur hur) cook the bacon and make sure it’s crispy. When the bacon is cool enough to handle without burning yourself in a salty manner, spread the guacamole on each piece, put two together, and HOLY SHIT BACON-AVOCADO SAMMICH.

Here is an artist’s representation:

ohfuck lookit that shit yeah

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