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Archive for October, 2012

So, this blog gets as much as- are you ready? TWO hits a day! I know, I know, how do I do it? I am amazing.

Here are a few of the search terms and queries that led strangers to this mostly-neglected little ball of neuroses and curse words. Which is myself. Ha!

funny kimchi

I don’t know if I can really help you with this…let me see:

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Kimchi.

Kimchi who?

Funny kimchi! *The kimchi does a silly dance and the person at the door shoots them because 1. The kimchi is trespassing, and 2. the kimchi is not at all funny and is a liar and is probably gonna murder the person who answered the door.*

 

funny deep thoughts

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? Probably not, if they screamed all the time for no good reason.”

 

paleo kimchi nom nom

Wrong blog.

 

does gazpacho make you fart

I would guess probably, since it has cucumber and occasionally raw bell peppers and onions.

 

its okay to get angry icon

Thank you, but my name’s not Icon.

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The following recipe comes from the Something Awful Forums; which is the best thing on the internet. Their Goons With Spoons subforum is a great place for both amateur and professional cooks to ask questions and share ideas, and there’s literally no culinary query that goes unanswered. Also has an Iron Chef competition.

Make this recipe for when you have people over, or when you need a lot of leftovers. And use fresh ginger, dammit!

PEANUT-SQUASH STEW, thanks to SA goon EVG for posting the original

MAKES FIFTY THOUSAND SERVINGS

1 cup peanut butter

1 butternut squash (or other winter squash), peeled, cored, and cut into cubes

1 can tomatoes (not whole, but not sauce)

12 oz tomato juice (I have used V8 juice in this recipe with good results, but I’ve also forgotten the juice component altogether and used water or broth sparingly to thin it out.)

200g tofu, sliced or diced

1 cup cilantro

5-6 cloves of garlic

3 TBSP ginger

1/2 onion

Thyme

Red pepper flakes/cayenne (optional)

Black pepper

Olive oil

Oregano

1. Get your squash all naked and spread wide open. Awww, yeah.

2. Cut it into bite-sized (or smaller) cubes. (This part should not be sexy.)

3. Saute squash chunks in olive oil, along with tofu, red pepper, onions, ginger, and garlic. Cook until squash starts to soften, ~10-15 minutes.

4. Add juice, tomatoes, salt (to taste), and other spices. Simmer until squash is tender (~5-10 minutes).

5. Add cilantro, then peanut butter.

6. Stir peanut butter in until mixture becomes orangey in colour. Continue to simmer until stew reaches required thickness- I find that it’s a fine thickness shortly after the peanut butter is added, but your mileage may vary.

7. Serve in a variety of ways, as follows:

INTERESTED-IN-CARBS PARTIES: Rice, either white or brown.

LOW-CARB CHAMPIONS: Shredded chicken.

LOW-CARB VEGETARIANS WHO ARE INSANE PEOPLE LIKE MYSELF: Nothing! It’s very good on its own. Or cauli-rice.

CRAZY PEOPLE: AAA batteries.

This stew is great for a few days in the fridge, and it reheats well. Perfect for lunches. It’s also vegan and incredibly kid-friendly. Feel free to put some dark leafy greens like spinach or kale in it. This is FILLING AS HELL. Trust me, I really don’t recommend adding the rice at all. I’ve also used lovage in this recipe instead of cilantro (my husband is bad at herbs) and it was surprisingly good, so feel free to switch out the cilantro if you don’t like it.

NUTRITIONAL INFO:

  • Servings Per Recipe: 7
  • Amount Per Serving
  • Calories: 371.0
  • Total Fat: 28.0 g
  • Cholesterol: 0.0 mg
  • Sodium: 133.0 mg
  • Total Carbs: 24.2 g
  • Dietary Fiber: 4.4 g
  • Protein: 11.6 g

Here’s the link to the original thread, and an ACTUALLY RELATED PICTURE which I did not take:

Image

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Here’s a (sad as shit) true story: when I first moved to Japan in 2008, I was unbelievably lonely. Not because I was far from “home,” but because I let my vagina make decisions without consulting my brain and ultimately alienated all the people I thought were my friends through sheer limerance/fucking stupidity (in other words, I boinked someone that the alpha femme already had her eye on…) Instead of using my balls and making amends, I decided to hide in my room and be a fucking coward instead.

Whatever, like all the choices you’ve made were good? Please, bitch.

Unfortunately, my self-imposed exile made it hard for me to go into the communal kitchen and cook shit like a noral person. I had a refrigerator and an electric kettle in my room, so I often cooked in there. You’d be surprised at how decent a meal you can make in a kettle, provided you don’t mind timidly washing it in a communal shower at 4 AM so you don’t run into anyone.

The following recipe is one of the few things I managed to make in my room when I was being antisocial. Even after I (a) stopped giving a flying shit about the emotionally-stunted numbnuts I lived with, and (b) moved into my own place, this was one of my go-to meals. And it persisted even after my future husband moved in with me, when we moved to England, and when we moved everywhere else. Oh, and I made it pretty much every day in college.

It is absolutely a household staple. No, like most of my recipes, it fails to be stupendously low-carb, BUT: you can totally adjust it to reflect your personal dietary needs. It has a decent wallop of protein, it’s filling, it’s fairly unruffling for those who aren’t very adventurous, and it’s not horribly expensive.

Although I find CostCo produce to be rather craptastic, this is one of those dishes where not-amazing ingredients get smoothed over with a little basil and lemon juice. If you like this and are one of those people who can eat the same thing for a few days without going BLEEEERGH, I suggest you stock up on the three main ingredients at Costco.

INSALATA TRICOLORE (Caprese salad with avocado)

Serves: 2

1 large tomato or two small tomatoes

1 avocado

Fresh mozzarella cheese

Fresh basil

Olive oil

1 lemon

Balsamic or apple cider vinegar

Salt and pepper to taste

 

1. Slice all vegetables and cheese

2. Add to plate in fancy fashion (or just cram it on there)

3. For the dressing, use: juice of 1 lemon, olive oil, vinegar. Quantities of the latter two to taste.

4. Season. If not using fresh basil, dried is okay.

 

DIETARY HACKS:

Vegan: use smoked or flavoured tofu in place of the cheese.

I NEED MORE PROTEIN, DAMMIT: Use smoked or flavoured tofu WITH the cheese.

I NEED FEWER CARBS: Eliminate the avocado OR the tomato, but not both. Add bacon.

THIS IS TOO WEIRD BECAUSE I AM DUMB: It’s tomato with the whiter kind of pizza cheese! Avocados are the thing in guacamole, so if you like guacamole, avocados are okay.

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